90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be