@Scimommy: 90% of parenting older kids is making sure they're not in the same room when they have to do homework.
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@Phantasmagoriax: If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
@SodomyClown: If Romney wins I will punch a basket of newborn kittens one by one. Do you want that, America? Do you want kittens to get punched?
@iRowlf: "Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!" -Vin Diesel eating a purse
@librarianfonz: I hope when the Incredible Hulk and Kool-Aid Man retire they'll open up a small demolition business together.