90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
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I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can鈥檛 fire my kids
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can鈥檛 find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi鈥擠AMMIT
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I鈥檓 an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It鈥檚 too bright.
NASA: That鈥檚 not how things work ma鈥檃m.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it鈥檚 on you.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 馃槀馃槶
I don鈥檛 have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
shaved my legs in case there鈥檚 someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you鈥檙e having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it鈥檚 just a snack.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.