@celestinelea90: 90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys
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@HeyZeus666: I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.
@KrunkedRobot: Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
@sofarrsogud: ME: Thanks for all you did man. It's because of people like you, we have our freedom. HIM: Again, I'm a veterinarian.