dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
You Might Also Like
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”