@celestinelea90: 90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys
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@TheBeerGuy73: Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.
@blondebombs: They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "Any weaknesses?" I pick fights for no reason "Can you explain?" *leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?