90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
“Sheer Arrogance”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok