90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.