Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
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Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.