I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The French cow says MEUX…