If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
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Do not steal food from the science building!
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.