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The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The answer is funnier than the question
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields