My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions