How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
You Might Also Like
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??