“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What鈥檚 wrong?
3: We鈥檙e dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you鈥檙e a confident liar
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
馃槱馃槱馃槱
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I guess cinco de mustard didn鈥檛 have the same ring to it
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z鈥檚 that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 馃憥鈿狅笍 #FallonTonight
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don鈥檛 know. Go wash them.
4: Don鈥檛 you want to taste them first?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Once you鈥檝e had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue