When can I start eating bats again.
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
bugs when you lift up a rock
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Every. Damn. Time.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you