Well, my evening plans are ruined
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
shit just got real
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code