911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
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Me: I don鈥檛 have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don鈥檛 have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80鈥檚 new wave band you wish existed.
I bet cats are pissed they can鈥檛 sit on televisions anymore.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob鈥hat does it look like I鈥檓 doing?
Neighbor: 鈥rinating on my mailbox
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you鈥檙e reading this, I want my boomerang.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I hope it鈥檚 French Onion!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes馃槖馃槖.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
No. YOU-buprofen.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The concept of a sister wife doesn鈥檛 bother me so much as the fact there鈥檇 be one more person in my damn way this morning.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it鈥檚 free to take, because that鈥檚 a really cool mailbox.