911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
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i hope my email finds you on fire
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.