911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
What the hell happened in there??
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.