911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs