911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
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Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
We’ve all been there
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked