911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]