911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were