The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
knights of the ikea table
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Bill is short for Billiam
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?