911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.