The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I triple waxed for this?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.