[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman