It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Any refunds available?…
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them