911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.