He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.