911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
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Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
This is I, Robot all over again
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”