911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
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If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Not today.. 😂
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party