911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
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BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
This one’s “Alex”.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?