911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
can you read it!!??
maan!