911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Follow me for more life hacks.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me