-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea