911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
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* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy