“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best