“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
do what now??
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.