I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
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me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.