911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
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I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds