“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
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Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Dune (2021)
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other