911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again