911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
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Meat Cute
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
A fake ID that makes you younger
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster