Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer