Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
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DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.