@slimmy_shady: 911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It's ok, found another one.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!
@joejwest: [creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it
@IamEnidColeslaw: I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair