@slimmy_shady: 911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It's ok, found another one.
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@skitzoette: Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
@WilliamAder: What's the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they're not going to joust?
@Donna_McCoy: If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell 'em that subtweet wasn't about them.
@Reverend_Scott: *rubs magic lamp, genie appears* I wish for World peace. Genie: Can't do it. Million dollars? Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.