@slimmy_shady: 911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It's ok, found another one.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [ad for umbrellas] [cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet] "There must be a better way!" Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
@LoveNLunchmeat: This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.
@ilovepie84: "I don't think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions" -Me when someone asks me a question that I don't know the answer to.
@LaziestCanine: [stuck on an island] message in bottle: if anyone gets this, please save us bottle returns: if this gets 10k RTs on Twitter we'll send help