911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
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Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.