My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks