Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?