@JasonCarney31: "911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"
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@SteveSuckington: I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I'm the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
@TheToddWilliams: [chef interview] BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon ME: Yeah, that means you're missing a jar
@redthe1: Yeah, sure, I use made-up words sometimes. Does that make you [Lowers shades] Discomfortable?
@NJFreudian: I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.