“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.