-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Carpe DM
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE