-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet