911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
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mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“I’m helping” 😅
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My five year plan is a meteorite
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?