911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.