911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
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9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
dads on road-trips be like
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.